I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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