I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
