I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
