Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just had sex on a roof
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
