Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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