On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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