soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
