Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
