I can tuck mytits in my pants
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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