I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
