I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
