i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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