Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
