Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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