the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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