Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
