If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
