I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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