Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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