for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize