there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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