I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
