I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
