did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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