Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
