I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
