I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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