I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
