new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
