The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize