Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
