maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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