its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
