Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
