she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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