Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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