grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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