I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
