lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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