If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
