barbara walters just said penis...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
