either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
