I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
