The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
