I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
