the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
