this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize