Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize