(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
