I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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