I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
