why didn't you poke me back
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
