alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
