idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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