Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
