He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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