I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
