I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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