I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
