Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We're too hungover to prance.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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