The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
